Finding The Fair Maiden

Goat Video

2011-12-02T20:49:00.000-06:00

I've started to experiment with stop motion videos. This is my first video. It was lots of fun to make. My goal is to start making some stop motion save the dates or wedding videos for people and maybe be able to do it for a little business on the side.
We will see if it happens.
Enjoy!

They Say

2011-08-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

They say that I can be healed... that Jesus is a healer. I've heard.

I've prayed. I've begged. I've sought and pleaded. Years have gone by. Hands have been laid. Tears have been poured. Forgiveness given. Demons driven. The pain still remains, nawing away at me.

They say to have hope because He has done it and He can... that Jesus is a healer. I know, I've read.

Blind men received sight. Little ones raised from the dead. Bodies broken received wholeness (shalom).

They say it can happen, it will... that Jesus is a healer. I hear you.

But do I let myself hope again? Do I let myself be open to the possibility of the disappointment of it not happening once more? Do I let my arms fall open and trust that He is who He says He is.

He is.

They say to come tonight and they will pray with me once more. Lay hands on me and hope in healing waters flow from the hands of the one who placed the stars in the sky... and I want it to be so... so badly.

So badly my body longs to be the one that I see when I close my eyes and seek. The one with long flowing hair, running through wide open fields of wheat... free. Because when I run I am free.

Do I listen to what they say? Do I? Do I place another block of hope upon the heaps of the crushed, and pray that this time it cracks open and births the butterfly free? Do I?

What choice do I have? All I have is risk... that's all life is. I can open and soften and risk the breaking or I can stay closed and shrivel and refuse and then... what? What life can come if the legs refuse to open to the birth? What wings can flutter if the case refuses to crack?

They say to come and hope...again. Again... I will come.

Buttons

2011-08-02T18:03:00.000-05:00

I just learned how to make my own buttons. Here are links to the 2 tutorials I used to do it.
Oikology
Blogging with Amy

p.s. The picnik photo site is AMAZING!

Thanks

2011-08-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

Thank you Lord for

little girls that want to know the world around them so intimately that they stick it up their nose
doctors that know how to get the world out of said noses
sand and waves crashing against our bodies as we build castles and fill buckets
sunshine

tomatoes ripe on the vine

discovering a hidden gem in the basement at my work and getting to bring it home for only $7.50
a husband that has lunch ready when I get home from work
finally making another sale
getting to try something new... voice-overs

a husband with a sense of humor

birthday parties for grandma

MMMMMMonday

2011-07-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

We have been trying to transition into eating clean as a family. I have been inspired by the Eat Clean Diet and by Clean Eating Magazine to make this change for our family. I feel so much better when I eat this way.
What does that mean? Eating things as close to nature as possible, with no processed foods, organic when possible (which isn't always possible on our budget), and making things ourselves. So, I thought it'd be fun to start documenting our foodage once a week.

Lunch: Taco Salad

Strawberry Peach Salsa

1 peach, peeled, chopped
5-6 strawberries, chopped
1/2 of lime, juiced
handful of fresh cilantro, finely chopped
salt and pepper to taste

Mix all together.

Homemade Taco Meat (I make everything to taste, so none of my measurements are exact.)

1 lb. ground beef (organic or lowest fat is best)
1 onion diced
1 garlic clove, finely diced
1/2 can tomato paste (the smallest size can)
1 tsp-2 tsp ground cumin (this is the key to getting the taco seasoning packet taste)
1 tsp - 2 tsp chili powder
salt and pepper to taste

Sautee onions in a little bit of butter in a cast iron skillet (or anything that's not teflon). Once they are see-through, add the meat and brown. Drain off any excess fat (if you're not using organic meat, pesticides, antibiotics, etc are most concentrated in the fat, so draining it off will help). Once brown add all the other ingredients.

We served our taco salad on a bed of orgainic mixed greens (we try to buy at least the dirty dozen organic) with the taco meat, cheddar cheese, diced avocado, salsa and plain yogurt (I really like the plain greek yogurt best, but it doesn't always fit into our budget... my next project is trying to make homemade yogurt), and topped with some Annie's organic Papaya Poppyseed dressing. We usually use a regular tomato based homemade salsa, no dressing and we add some black beans, but I thought this would be nice for a change.

I'm also trying to make homemade bread now. I found this video and made it. It's not so pretty, but it tastes good. I'm going to have to buy the book and try some other recipes out. It's quite easy.

Thanks

2011-05-10T14:44:00.001-05:00

God... thank you for---

rolls of thunder
heat that reminds me summer is near
watching the tenderness in my son's heart as he says good-bye to his best friend for the last time

bubble gum ice cream cheeks and chins
gold finches stopping for a visit
our first ever peach blossoms
getting my fingers dirty

His cross and his

2011-04-23T00:59:00.001-05:00

The dark echoes deep through my hallways this evening as I can not sleep once more. I sit, eyes dimmed at my grandmother's kitchen table. At bedtime we snuffed out our final candle in our make-shift lenten wreath, as we read how Jesus' life was snuffed out.

As I read the story, I realized that it had been a really long time since I had actually read the story myself, with my own eyes and words. Myself the narrator. The words hit deeper when they're your own. That first blow, "...one of the officials nearby struck him in the face," (John 18:22) felt as if my own face absorbed the pain.

Elijah sat and sketched.

"And this is Jesus' friend that cut off the soldier's ear." "And this is Jesus' mommy." "And I put X's in Jesus' eyes to show that He is dead."

And now I sit and think about how he did this for us. For me. He did this so that I might have THIS life and live it abundantly.

This life... where I let my kids zone out on television most of the day, blowing off their smiles and pleas for attention, so I can get a few things done. This life... where I stand at the stove cooking and yelling at Izzy and Elijah asks me "Mommy, why do you always have to be so mean?" And my heart is pierced. This life... where I take for granted the little hugs, the little questions, the little people that God has given me. This is the life that is supposed to be abundant, and I don't let it be. He did this, THE CROSS, for me... and I do not choose to live abundance.

All I know is to lean in, listen, hope. Remember there must be more there, if more is promised. God did this goodness for me, and He is still good. So, I give Christ my weakness once more and lay my head down to rest, and hope for Jesus' cross cries, Lance's snores and my 5mg friend to lull me to sleep once more.

Tomorrow there is abundance available to me. Lord, help me to grab hold.

Passover

2011-04-21T14:55:00.001-05:00

We eased into our first Passover this past Tuesday with much hesitation and excitement. We want the kids to know the really real of the Words we read and so we finally put our long thought desires into action.

While Elijah and Izzy watched the Ten Commandments cartoon, I washed and stuffed my first chicken, cut and prepared my first beets, ground up my first batch of charoset.

They were all smiles and so big as they tilted their little plastic wine glasses filled with sparkling grape juice back and we remember the Blood of the Lamb. They hunted for the hidden matzah, our Saviour lost, and then found.

Although we would have loved it had they lingered long at the table with us, they are 2 and 6. So while Lance and I sat and savored the meal, they soon were out in the living room, giddy and free-falling into the couch. And this is why He died, so that we might have life and LIVE it.

Anne Voskamp has an excellent post about why she and her family celebrate Passover.

And Grace Came

2011-04-18T13:36:00.001-05:00

The pain grips when my eyes unclosed this daybreak. I whisper profanities to this well-known tempest that brings the morning ache and tiredness. I hobble about. Trying. I feel the plunge and lift my cement-ladden legs back down the hallway. Seeking. "Awareness of Me can continue in all circumstances, no matter what happens.1" I know. But tears still drop.

I pour espresso soul pain into my mug and sweeten it with raw sugar. Lance says the cream is bad and he's going to get more. More drops come and he forsees. And he's "not going to sit around while you cry and stare at the walls." He's afraid. He takes Izzy to the store.

In the shower I bow low to let the water help, and God. And I am Job repeating, "Why?"

"Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter soul, who long for death, but it does not come, and search for it more than hidden treasures..." Job 3:20-21

And He is God.

"Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?" Job 38:4

Jesus' words fill my mouth. "My father let this cup pass from me, yet not my will but thine be done." And Christ takes my cup of darkness and drinks it and graces me with life.

Forgiveness is given and Lance and I start over. My cup now lightened. And I braid my hair like Rodney Yee. Izzy and I are downward dogs and my body howls, yet I soon remember I am strong. Still.

We eat donuts, liking frosting delight off our fingers. And I tell myself it's okay to combine donuts and yoga. It is Sunday. We giggle and I find grace and I am thankful.

1Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence

My shop is open!

2010-12-02T22:17:00.000-06:00

My etsy shop is finally open. Find it here and also find my shop blog here.

New Beginnings

2010-08-27T13:57:00.000-05:00

I have become somewhat of a blog voyeur over the years. With all my looking, I became quite self-concious and starting judging myself rather harshly. I started to feel insecure that my life didn't look as perfect as others, that I wasn't as productive as other artists, that I didn't have that many visitors. So, I shut down and stopped writing, even though, prior to my overt introspection, I had found blogging to be quite cathartic.
I have discovered though, that not everyone has it together as much as I might think. That anyone can project whatever image they want others to see, and leave out the bad stuff if they want to. I read Artful Blogging magazine and I have read page after page about others hesitations to blog and fears of rejection and have found that I am no different than they are.
My problems arise when I consider how I want to portray my life. I have read others blogs that say they don't talk about anything serious going on in their lives, because they want to keep things light, and cheerful. I honestly would love to do that, but I find it terribly difficult. One of my core values in life is honesty, and to paint myself to be anything other than myself would just feel wrong. So, blogging is a risk for me. It means putting my heart out their and risking that it might get stomped on, but I have to believe that it also means opening my self up to the possibility of finding good people that I can journey with.
So, I have decided to accept my limitations and not judge myself against other bloggers, who seem more fantastic than myself. I am going to blog again, because it feels good to write and get my thoughts out there, where ever they many land (or not land), so be it.

Melissa & Doug Giveway

2010-06-07T15:18:00.002-05:00

Melissa & Doug have a outdoor play stuff giveaway right now... go check it out here.

Chocolate Balls

2009-09-15T00:30:00.002-05:00

These are about my favorite thing in the world right now.

I stop by the Bosnian bakery right down the street (well, used to be down the street... we've moved) every chance I get, and purchase 3 balls. They're gooey and cold and lightly coated with coconut... perfection. I've thought about asking them how they are made, but that's against the "rules" I suppose. They are delicious though.

I've been trying to find a recipe for them somewhere online to no avail. If anyone knows how to make them please let me know.

New Computer Finally!

2009-09-09T01:15:00.003-05:00

Now I just need a new camera to take better pictures!
Here are some of our vacation (if one night is a vacation) pictures in Okoboji this summer.

School and Sickness

2009-07-14T12:02:00.003-05:00

I'm going back to school! My husband is too! We start in August at Hawkeye. Lance has 1 yr. done (Fire credits don't count -unaccredited, knew that.. but it still stinks) but I've only taken 2 classes so I'll be there 2 years. Then we will transfer to a university. Probably the University of Northern Iowa here in town, but we will see. I think I'm going to go for a Fine Arts major and Lance is thinking about Communications (he wants to be a public speaker/author). I'm very excited... I had given up on ever getting to go to school.
I had this misconception when I got married that, in order to be a good little christian wife, I had to give up the things I was passionate about, doing whatever my husband did. Doing this I have become a worn out, grumpy, over-weight, less-than-me version of Corah. It has definitely not helped our marriage like it seemed to promise either. I'm such a different person than who Lance fell in love with, it's no wonder there's no spark left. Plus we have absolutely nothing to talk about because we don't have any separate interests.
My hairdresser (and friend), Katrina, said to me the last time I was in, "It sounds to me like staying at home is sucking the life out of you." Shocking at first but then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am miserable. I LOVE my children and my husband, but I don't love being home all day. I have always thought the best possible thing for them was that I be home with them, but I realized that's not true if I'm a horrible, miserable grump all the time. I have not been content with life because I really want much more than this. We're not putting the kids in child care... we're alternating days we will be in school and taking some online classes together, so they will still see us both plenty. It will probably do them good to be around Lance alone a bit more. He's much more balanced than myself.
We have all had colds now in July. Seems we've been sick most of the summer... I don't remember ever being sick in the summer before. Plus, I've been having this pain on and off since I was about 7 months pregnant with Isabella, in the lower right side of the abdomen. It's always kind of come and gone so I assumed it was hormonal and haven't gone to the doctor. Well the past few months when the pain gets bad, I've been getting the chills, fever, shakes, nausea... so finally yesterday I went to the doctor when it started flaring up. She took an ultrasound and said it appears that I have a leaking ovarian cyst that is leaking blood. She said we would wait a few weeks and check it again. I've tried to look stuff up about it but can't find much. We'll see I guess. I'm just tired of there always being something that is causing me pain.
This too shall pass... I always thought that was a b.s. statement, but I guess it is true.

...................................................................................................

07/21/2009 Update from the lady doctor

The short of it is that if I am still having pain now (which I am)... then it's not my ovaries because the cyst has gone away (meaning it was just the normal monthly cyst that forms during ovulation that my reg doc had seen and not something more serious). So, it is something else... appendicitis maybe? I don't know... back to the reg doc.

Flu in June

2009-06-12T17:13:00.003-05:00

How does one get the flu in the middle of June? I would like to know. Both of my children appear to have it. Last night, we thought we were going to get an evening mostly to ourselves, as Elijah was going to spend the night at my aunts house. But then, the phone call came at 8pm. I knew it was the end to my night of freedom when I heard the first ring. It was my cousin, "Elijah just threw up all over." So, Lance went and picked him up. We thought it was just an over-abundance of drinks (chocolate milk, chocolate shake, 2 cups of juice) and lots of enthusiasm that may have caused the incident, but at 2 pm today we knew differently. We had already had a peeing incident (Elijah wet his pants all over my driver's seat when I misunderstood the urgency of a potty request on a brief stop at a garage sale) and a poop incident (Isabella's diaper leaked all over her clothes) so my children were already wearing next to nothing and then Isabella threw up all over herself in the car seat. Fun stuff. Fun.
At least Lance got the tv out of the basement (we're having a summer fast) for the day so my sick boy has something to do and I can have a bit of a sanity break.
F.Y.I... Sevi Designs has a fun fabric scrap giveway... go check it out.

I've Grown Balls

2009-06-11T23:02:00.003-05:00

Recently I've developed a liking for chewing people out in parking lots. (I have issues with parking lots, as evidenced by my previous post here. Honestly, I really don't like to drive. I'd walk everywhere if I lived in a city where that was possible. ) Now, I'm not going ballistic on people, rather giving them a stern talking to.
It started with a trip to Hobby Lobby. I sat in my car (probably checking for boogers, I don't know) and out walks my first victim. He opens his door and "BANG" right into my car. (thinking) "The nerve! I'm in my car dude! I see you." (and yes, I still say dude) My heart started to thump because I knew what was coming... I grew some balls. I said to myself, "Self, you're not just going to sit silently by, swallowing your anger anymore while people do stupid, mindless things." So, I got out, perusing over to give my car the look I've seen my dad give his car a million times. You know, the manly is-that-a-tiny-infinitesimal-ding-in-my-door look. The guy had his window down... the thumping grew louder, and I spoke. "Ya kinda bumped my car with your door there buddy. Better be a little more careful." He apologized... I walked away. Simple, no craziness... but I tell you what, it felt good. Good to say what was on my heart. Good to not stuff it and let it fester.
Victim #2 Scene: Barnes and Noble
So, I got the kids out of the car, put Izzy in the stroller and we headed for the door. Out of no where mini van lady whips around the corner, into the spot directly in front of us. I had to yank the stroller and Elijah back so she wouldn't run them over. I was in shock. I kept walking, but my heart began to race as I heard myself say, "Self, you will not sit by silently and let some crazy mini van lady almost run over your kids and get away with it." So, I waited inside the door, ready to pounce. She opened the door and smiled at me like nothing happened. I said, "It would be nice if you could signal or something before you whip into a parking spot in front of someone." The smile gone... mouth hanging open. "You whipped into a parking spot right in front of us while we were walking. I thought you were going to run over my children." She scowled and walked away. Her teenage daughter gave me a "thank you for chewing my mom out... that was awesome" kind of look. Not exactly the response from the mother I had hoped for but again... simple, not crazy and it felt so nice.
Now, I don't know if this kind of behavior is Christ like or not. But, I do know that when I stuff my anger about things like this it festers and I take it out my family. Letting it out, I think, was good for me. I said it, then it was over and I was able to release it. I hope this doesn't become a daily thing, but I'm not afraid to say something now and... it feels good.

Inspirations of the Day

2009-06-10T13:00:00.003-05:00

After having a particularly painful morning (I had tons of energy yesterday, for the first time in years... I'm taking new sleeping herbals that are helping tremendously. But I overdid it physically as a result of the new found energy... hence the pain) I am online looking for some cheering up. I always know with just a few clicks I can find something creative and beautiful that will lift me up in the blog world. Here are a few things that have brightened my morning.
Jenny Mae talking about the organic communal garden she's working on. This girl's determination to do the things God has put in her heart is nice to see.
Heather Bullard makes every day look scrumptious. And this apple tart is no exception. Yum. Printing. Baking.
NieNie!!!!! I love this girl and her man and her family. I read her blog every chance I get. She is so beautiful and inspiring. If you do one good thing for yourself a day... read her blog. Seriously.
And now, with the arrival of my sweet husband bringing me the mozzarella and tomato pannini I requested ("I lubba, lubba you!") I bid you farewell for the day.

Dreams of New York

2009-06-06T08:49:00.003-05:00

I've been dreaming of moving to New York and going to art school again lately. Thought I'd look up some real estate prices. Holy Frijoles! You can buy this lovely home in the Bronx for only $300,000. Or maybe this enchanting fixer-upper for only $199,900. I knew it was expensive, but... I don't know. I guess maybe they pay a lot more? I would hope so. Homes like these in Iowa would be like $20,000-30,000. If we had the money to fix it up, that last one might actually be cool. 11 Acres would be nice... plenty of room for a very large garden. Maybe some 4-wheelers.

Well, I need to go tend to my boy. He wants to go outside and play in the rain... his favorite thing. He's currently asking me, "Mom, is our moon really made out of cheese?" Lance likes to tell him this things, thinking it's funny, but then I have to explain the truth and he doesn't believe me. Last night he asked how they make pillows and Lance told him there are factories with a bunch of fat men lined up that pick the fuzz out of their belly buttons and stick them in the pillows. Nice.

Prayers for Ammi

2009-06-05T11:39:00.002-05:00

Please keep my friend Mandie's little boy Ammi in you prayers. He is very sick right now and in the hospital. She has been a very good friend to me and has been there for me in a lot of hard times, so I hope that you can stand with me in prayers for her and her family during this time.

A Day at the Beach

2009-06-01T16:58:00.008-05:00

We took a spur-of-the-moment trip to Clear Lake yesterday. It was a lovely day. The water was a bit chilly still but we still had lots of fun. (With the exception of a punch in the balls Lance recieived from Elijah. The bagel shop was closed and somehow that was Lance's fault I guess. Hmmmm. We almost made a trip back home after that little outburst. Spirited... that's what I call him now. I'm using more positive labels for his behavior. I got a new book called "Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistant and Energetic" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It's AMAZING. It's giving me so much more insight into him [and myself] and lots of tools for making things easier. More on that later.)

Playing in the water seems to make Elijah a million times more calm than usual. It's nice.

I went a little crazy with the sunscreen. Isabella always takes the cutest pictures. She's like a little baby model. I take the camera out and she just smiles and smiles, well, most of the time anyways.

Back For More

2009-05-23T00:19:00.003-05:00

I had a massage this morning. Ahhh! I feel at least 70% better now. I have been in a lot of pain lately. A lot. I thought it was mostly from the fibromyalgia I have, but I'm starting to think my back is majorly out of whack too. It has been affecting me a lot lately. I've pretty much been a monster because the pain has been so bad. I had so much energy after that massage today... I put on my cute little apron and cheerfully made some good lunch, did some dishes, filled up the pool for Elijah, played with him, did yoga. I'm sure I did more, but I don't remember right now. To some those things may seem like simple, everyday things. Most days I wake up feeling like I got hit by a mac truck. I find it hard to get past the couch for most of the day. My feet just drag across the ground. I keep telling Lance that I don't even remember what it's like to not be in pain anymore. I have had fibro since I was 15 and haven't had a pain-free day since then.
I've been angry about it lately... more so than usual. Angry that I can't seem to be healthy or have energy or take care of my kids and husband the way I want. I've been trying to do more about it lately though. I've started walking, taking some supplements that should help, trying to lose some weight.
I dream about being able, some day, to live a beautiful, full life, like some of the gals blogs I read. I so desire to have more energy so I can do the simple things that need to get done, love on my kids and man(without being a big crab) and get some creativity in every day.

Forgive My Progress

2009-02-13T15:15:00.003-06:00

I know my blog isn't really anything much to look at yet. We still have dial-up unfortunately and a crappy computer (our nice one got fried in a thunder storm), so it takes almost 30 minutes to upload 1 picture. Good news though... Lance got a new job at Fed-Ex, so hopefully now that he will be making more decent money we'll be able to update our equipment so I can make my blog a bit more like I want.

Antiques and Conviction

2009-01-25T21:17:00.004-06:00

Lance and I got a rare date on Saturday... it was bliss. Itwas the most fun I have had on a date in a long time. We decided to forgo the usual dinner or movie to go antique shopping (which we hadn't done since high school). I've been thinking about getting some fiestaware. I fell in love with stuff all over again. Things used to be made so much better... not the plastic crap we have now. Things were lovingly hand-made to last. I bought Izzy a little Kewpie doll (which looks just like her) and have plans to start buying vintage valentines to frame for her room. They also had adorable metal doll houses that I may have to purchase (although I have concerns about lead paint). I also found a little metal wind-up train toy that Elijah would have loved. I didn't purchase it... Elijah is very rough with toys (and we're swimming in them since Christmas and his birthday). I'm going to have to work to restrain myself... we're in the process of trying to simplify our life so I don't need more unnecessaries right now.

After the antique store we went to Cup of Joe's, a local coffee shop with a 50's theme. I had some sort of Breve that was special for Valentine's day... I'm not sure what was in it but it was heavenly. I think I drank it in less than 1 minute.

Church this morning was good. I didn't pay that much attention to exactly what the pastor was saying, but God was speaking to my heart. The verse was about us being clay in the hands of the potter (sorry, don't remember the exact verse.) I made pottery myself in high school, so I was thinking about how sometimes, no matter how hard you tried, the clay would just not do what you wanted. But you keep trying and when it falls apart you have to start over. But if the clay is too soft you have to set it aside and let it dry out a bit or if it's too dry you have to soak it in water. But the clay is always on your mind... waiting for it too be ready for your goal: a beautiful vessel that can be filled with something. I feel there is something to this whole analogy that God is trying to show me (besides the obvious)... something I'm not quite grasping yet. I'm sure He'll reveal it all to me in time soon.

He convicted me also about not trusting him with Elijah. I try to control him too much, try to control life too much. He showed me how it causes me much of the stress and chaos we experience in our home and that if I would just trust God with Elijah's care that things would be much easier for me... for us. It's hard being a mommy of strong willed, energetic little boy... but God knows him and he knows what he needs... I just need to learn to ask more, pray more, listen more, trust more.

Dramatic Me

2009-01-19T20:30:00.009-06:00

Reading back over my previous post, I feel the need to say, for those that don't know me well, that I am bent towards being dramatic. So on bad days, my posts may be eschewed. I'm aware my previous post sounded like things are falling apart... that is not the case. That was however a very bad day. My intentions in writing here are to say, "Hey, we christian moms don't always have it together and that's okay. Here's some parts of my journey. I hope you'll share yours. Let's work through things together." So, I share the reality of where I am in the moment that I am there. I intend to share my good days also... so hopefully someday my blog may seem a bit more balanced.
Circumstances in our life are a bit out of control right now (Lance being laid off, with no clue what he'll do next) and we have a strong-willed child that we regularly find challenging. But we are learning to find God's place for us under the shadow of His wings and are experiencing peace that we have not had in a long time. We are blessed with beautiful children and we know that God has a plan for our lives. We are excited about what lies ahead.

"Lord, help me to be balanced and to not only speak what's on my heart, but what's on your heart. "

The Side of Love

2009-01-02T00:51:00.003-06:00

I have always said I would rather err on the side of being too graceful than too legalistic when it comes to my parenting. Too loving than too harsh. Lately I fear I'm erring on the wrong side.

I feel like a bit of an ogre lately. Elijah is pushing me a lot and it just comes out. He's always very emotional and over-reacts (hmmm... reminds me of someone. Oh yah, me!) and it's difficult for me to keep my cool when he's raging about. I feel I may be picking the wrong battles to fight too. Making too big of a deal out of too little of a thing.

Take nap time today. We were settling down later than I would have liked, so I was in a hurry. We had read our books and then he says, "I'm thirsty." Now he hadn't had much to drink in a while, so I believe he really was, but I wasn't up for stalling any further. So I told him he could get a drink out of the faucet in the bathroom. "No, juice!" "No, water!" "No, juice!!!" "No, water! and that's final!" And then, "Aaaaaahhhhh!", stomp, stomp, stomp, slam the bedroom door. Momma opens door, "Elijah, it is not acceptable to slam the door. You may get a drink in the bathroom if you want." "No!" Hit mommy... spanking. Crying. "Okay, get in bed then." "No." Wrestling into bed. Mommy slams door and plops down on her bed for a cry.

In hind site, I probably should have just gotten him a drink. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Little things like this often turn into big battles with us. I really am not sure what to do with them. The way he reacts to things makes me worry that I'm crushing him. I mean, he really falls apart completely.

Part of the issue is that things are chaotic right now, with Lance being laid off, a new baby in the house and the holidays. It's a lot of disruption to our schedule (not that we have much of one to begin with). He really seems to do best with more predictability and I feel poor at providing it. It seems then, that he's on the edge all the time so every little thing becomes huge. Then, I don't have energy to give many yeses so I'm probably being a bit too restrictive. Aggghhh... I don't know how to get this train back on track.

I really struggle with spanking too. Honestly, I don't like it much, but I feel it's the expected "Christian" thing to do. Spankings really don't seem to work (even doing it the "right way") on him; it's kind of just something I do (hating every minute of it) because I'm exhausted and I don't know what else to do, but I know I have to do something. I don't know... I'm on a quest to find out if there is a better way though. I want to discipline him, but I don't want to crush his spirit.

I ended up going back in there to calm him down and laid with him until he feel asleep. I hope that I figure this thing out someday (if that's something that ever happens as a parent). He deserves all the love I can give.

"Lord, help me to provide plenty of structure and predictability for Elijah, even when things are constantly changing around us. Make our home and our arms a safe place. Fill my heart with over flowing love for my children. Give me wisdom and moment by moment guidance on how to discipline them in every situation. Help me to teach them self-control and guide them, yet never crush their spirit. Give ME self-control. Give me grace. Release me from "mom guilt" of not doing things right and just help me to rely on your all-knowing wisdom."

Santa Guilt

2008-12-25T17:21:00.004-06:00

Lance and I decided, from the day we first became parents, we would not be telling our children that Santa Claus was real. (We don't do the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy either.) Lance says the revelation that Santa wasn't real was traumatic for him, making him question the existence of God. I don't remember what it was like for me, but I agreed with him...for us, it felt like being deceptive and it would cause them to distrust us when they found out.

Now, we don't shelter him from it. We let him see Polar Express and we even have a Santa ornament. We simply explain to him, "There was once a really nice guy who gave toys to little kids that didn't have any money and people thought that was really nice, so they started pretending they were him, giving presents to be nice like him. So, lots of mommies and daddies put presents under the tree and pretend they're from Santa. So, Santa is pretend, but it's okay to pretend sometimes." We try to make it all about being nice and giving. We still put presents under the tree for Christmas morning, we just don't say they're from Santa.

It's all been fine and dandy until this year. I have started to feel guilty about it. I have begun to feel like a magic squasher. I want my children to have an imagination, I want them to be free thinkers and for childhood to be full of wonder. Children grow up way to fast anymore. Lance assures me that we provide plenty of other ways for his imagination to grow and that traditions are more important than the myth of Santa Claus. In my heart of hearts I agree, but it's hard when you are surrounded by it on a daily basis.

The other day my father-in-law's girlfriend asked him, "So, what do you think Santa is bringing you for Christmas?" To which Elijah replied, "Santa's not real, he's pretend." Then I got the look... the magic squasher look. They already think we're weird enough just being Christians. Oh, well.

But, here's the kicker... the other day he said to me, " Mommy, is Santa real?" "No." "Is God real?" "Yes honey!...(lengthy explanation)." So, even though I'm not lying to him, he still is questioning the existence of God... makes me feel like I can't win and that I'm no better off than lying to him. I'm sure it must be confusing to him. I can see Santa at the mall, but he's pretend. I can't see God, but He's real. Hmmmm.

I can't change it now, and really I don't want to. I know that it's better that I be truthful and have him question God than to be untruthful and question both God and us (who ultimately lead Him to God.) But still it's hard living under the pressure of feeling like a magic squasher.

"Lord help me to trust you with Elijah. Help me to always be truthful, even when it's hard. Even when everything around me makes me feel it's better to lie for the sake of encouraging imagination. Help me to find other ways to encourage his sense of wonder. Reveal yourself to him."

The Birdie

2008-12-21T15:43:00.004-06:00

Today I gave someone the birdie.

You see... the kids were sleeping in the car and we needed a few things at Wal-mart. Lance intended to be quick (not possible Christmas week) and since it's sub-zero here today, I just pulled up in the front to wait (I know... fire lane... illegal...I know). After 20 minutes of waiting a police car pulls up behind me and starts honking (better than a ticket). So I drove around in circles since there was no where to park that Lance could see me. I'm starting to get a little mad at this point, thinking "I know you're not supposed to park there, but it's cold out and people do it all the time, come on! It's Christmas week! Where is Lance? This is taking forever!"

On one of my laps, a guy starts to pull out in front of me when I clearly have the right away, stopping to give me a look when I keep going... like I'm the one doing something wrong. I angrily wave and yell "Thanks!"

So, by the 3rd lap I'm really mad. As I drive by the front door I see Lance standing at The Red Box, and I think, "I've had enough, I'm getting him." So I quickly stop in front of the door, hop out, yelling through the doors "Lance, lets go!" and turn around, hopping back in. I had been there less than 5 seconds when someone starts honking behind me. So, with flames shooting out of my eye balls, I hop back out, ready for a fight. I started waving my arms around angrily... and then, in a moment of clarity, I realized it was a truck with 2 men in it and got back in the car. I looked in my rear view mirrors as the man driving hopped out of his car ready for a fight too, only to hop back in when he saw Lance walk out of Wal-mart and get in. So, I flipped him some good birdies and sped off (not easy on the ice). Poor Lance had no idea what was going on as I ranted and cussed and spun out all over the parking lot. He had no idea he would leave the car with one wife and come back to a crazy woman driving his car.

Okay so, obviously my actions were not Christ-like in the least. I don't do this frequently, in fact I don't remember the last time I swore that much or flipped a birdie. Obviously God still has some refining to do in my heart. A big part of me still wishes I had gotten out with the ice scrapper and beat the hood of his truck. The other, bigger part of me, is just so thankful my kids were asleep.

"Lord, forgive me for acting like a fool today. Refine me more Lord. Keep me from doing such stupid things Lord. Help me to not be so selfish and to not sin in my anger. I'm thankful that you still love me and you're not done with me yet. "

I don't like Walmart... I think I'm going to only shop at Target now (so, what if it saves a few bucks, I'd rather have my sanity). For some reason, Wal-mart always brings out the worst in me. Turns me into one of them... a crazy, rude person.